


... God knows I tried...

by Fangirlingmanaged



Series: God Knows I... [4]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Hurt Tony, M/M, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Natasha, Steve Feels, Steve Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 07:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5325686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlingmanaged/pseuds/Fangirlingmanaged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky might be a shitty friend, but he knows that at the end of this ordeal Steve is going to need as much support as he can get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	... God knows I tried...

**Author's Note:**

> PLOT TWIST!  
> LEAVE MY BABY BUCKY ALONE!

Some say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. For Steve, however, it seems as though the road to his hell is most likely being paved by stupid decisions. Though James has known that was true since well before he met him again. It’s always been his fault, the idiotic shrimp, being too loyal for his own good. Being too good to know when to give up on a lost cause. Anyone else would have known that James needed to come around on his own terms, hell James wouldn’t have blamed them because they would have been right, but there was Steve. Barreling straight through everything he had managed to gain because he’d caught wind of his Bucky.

                                                                        ***

              _Not that he can blame the stupid kid, really, seeing as James would have given up everything he had in order to keep him safe. Shit, he knew he had been lost to the little squirt the moment he had saved him in that alley after school. They couldn’t have been more than ten years old, though Stevie looked more like he was six he was so small, and even then he hadn’t been able to stop mouthing off. Had told a bully about three sizes bigger than him exactly what he thought about him, and had gotten exactly what James would have imagined. He’d been walking home from school, his mother had had errands to run, when he had heard the screaming. Even then James had been less than what the Buchannan’s wanted as a son. Had been mouthy himself and short tempered. He had heard the screaming, had seen an opportunity for a fun fight, and had gotten in there. Stupid Steve, God, had still been talking smart to the bigger boy even as he was beaten black and blue. James had gotten in the middle, promptly kicked the bully’s ass, and turned to check on the kid._

_He chuckles, remembering, how freaked out he’d been at finding the kid giggling. Had asked him if he’d managed to get some of his screws loose in the beating. The other kid had grinned up at him, teeth stained red, and told him how he’d stopped the other kid from picking on a little first grader. James had been too stunned to filter the disbelieving grin off his face. Had offered the kid a hand up, and dusted his jacket and his too long trousers for him. The kid had been slightly abashed after that, had insisted he didn’t need no help usually, but this time he wasn’t feeling so good. James had known he was lying, but he didn’t have the heart to confront him about it. Honestly, the boy looked downright delighted. James had asked, surreptitiously, where he was headed and then offered to walk him there. They’d made introductions then, had discovered that they went to the same school thanks to a lucky twist of fate, and then had parted ways promising to meet each other the next day._

_Steve’s parting shot then had been his decision to call James “Bucky” from then on, to which James had pouted at because he hated nicknames, but it had stuck. James had become Steve’s “Bucky” even if he couldn’t refer to himself as anything other than James. James’s parents hadn’t approve of their son following a “riff raff” runt around all day, and there was a strained period of time between middle school and high school when James had been a piece of shit and treated Steve horribly, merely because he was poor. God, he can still remember what he’d said even after they had reconciled that day after Momma Rogers’s death. “You’d just have to polish my shoes or something.” Honestly, who says that to his best friend? The best thing James ever did was enlist to fulfill Stevie’s wishes. Then all the shit with the Red Skull happened, and they had been separated for seventy years._

_And yet again James had proven the shitty friend that he truly was. His eyes go distant as he remembers what it was like, those long months ago, so high up in that hellicarrier. He had been ready to beat his best friend dead then, even as he’d had vague flashes of something suspiciously like memories. HYDRA had wiped his memory every time he tried to uncover something from his past, but by then they had become lax enough to let him regain some of his memories. He can’t even express how happy he is that he pulled Steve out of that river. The visits to the Smithsonian after that had cleared up a few things, as had the independent research he’d done about his life, which is what had gotten him in trouble in the first place. They thought he was still working for HYDRA, gathering information and killing as he’d done before, but all he was trying to do was gain some insight on what he had been before HYDRA had tainted him. He’d found some things, but not all._

_The last few weeks with Steve had been, if for nothing else, good for his memories. It was like riding a bike, truly, being Steve’s best friend. The more they interacted the more James began to spontaneously know what each of Steve’s expressions meant. Which is how he had been able to realize what this war was costing his friend. It hadn’t been a big thing, really, just incredibly conspicuous. They’d been sitting around a shabby dinner table; Sam had been icing his shoulder, and James had been cleaning his gun and knives. He didn’t kill, not anymore and not ever after he’d promised Steve, but he kept his gear in check. Steve had been throwing things together for them, had served three sandwiches and three cans of pop, but then without thinking about it he’d prepared a pitcher of coffee. He poured it into a cup, black, and then held it as if he didn’t know what to do with it._

_“Since when do you drink dark coffee?” James had asked him wondering if this was a quirk of the new Steve. He would have pushed it if he hadn’t seen Sam’s head snap up and stare at the soldier with wide eyes._

_“I—I don’t. Tony—“he didn’t finish his sentence. He just put his cup back on the counter and made an excuse about not being very hungry. James began to understand what was going on with Steve then. If he hadn’t, then a week later he would have seen the truth._

_He was with Steve through the comm lines a bit off to the side when the two of them had faced off. Obviously, Tin Man had had enough anger of his own to beat on Steve. James had been too preoccupied keeping Wilson safe to keep the metal armor away from Steve. The brief fight had ended with Steve on his knees, bloody and panting, squinting up at the armor. James wouldn’t do the disservice of saying he knew Anthony Stark, he was talked about in the HYDRA facility as a villain though what James had seen so far pointed at a misguided broken man more than a monster, but even he could have imagined what Tony’s face was like then. He was about to punch Steve, knock him out and take him most likely, when Steve had given perhaps the most fatal blow he could have then. “I’m sorry, Tony. You know I wouldn’t do this if I had another choice, but he’s my friend.” With the armor and the voice filters there was no way of truly knowing what Tony’s emotions were, but James had turned from taking down his opponent in time to see the raised arm hesitate. See it tremble before it dropped. All he got was Iron Man’s voice saying “So was I,” but he had enough data to infer how it had affected the other man. Steve hadn’t, though the words had clearly meant something to him. Had made him realize he’d screwed up because in the same breath he’d tried to get up and reach for the armor, but by then Tony was gone._

_The look on Steve’s face told James in that moment that if they somehow got out of there alive, he’d have to help Steve pick up the pieces. Not only of the soldier, but of whatever scrap of Tony came out of that pointless war. Through the days that followed, James got the gist of what Tony truly meant to Steve. The nightmares were indication of that enough. Unbeknownst to Steve, Bucky had snuck out once as he was supposed to do reconnaissance to look for Tony. He’d gone to the tower, the last place of residence he’d known the genius to possess, and snuck through service stairs and hidden elevators until he’d come to a big spacious living room three floors down from the penthouse. What awaited him there wasn’t what he expected. More than the lavishing furnishings that adorned the room, the thing that captured his attention immediately was the screaming coming from somewhere down the hall. He quickly made his way to the source of the noise, only to find Tony Stark curled up in the middle of the bed in a barren room. With a sick twist to his stomach, James’s intuition tells him it used to belong to his best friend._

_“Not Steve,” Tony had whimpered. He was drenched in sweat, shaking and gasping, as his hands tore at the sheets. “Please, please, anything but Steve. Take it. God, take it. Take it off my chest, JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE!” He’d woken himself with the screaming. He bolted upright with a cry, and then sat there shaking and terrified, and James had known this was the worst part because that’s how he’d been for months, so completely alone. James had stepped back into the living room to give him the decency of some privacy, and waited until he was ready. He heard him murmuring something from Steve’s room, but waited patiently till he slowly made his way out._

_He hobbled slowly, as if he was in pain, and Bucky could see the bruises on his ribs. Guilt tore at him, remembering he was partly responsible for them, as the genius met his eyes. There was anger and defiance in there, but not one ounce of fear. It was kind of disconcerting._

_“If you’re here to kill me, I’d suggest you get it done,” he’d spat at him as he groaned and made his way to the kitchen. James followed him, and stationed himself at the entrance of the kitchen to watch him. It was a mess, but then again so was the man in front of him._

_“I’m here to talk about Steve,” James told him and watched in sympathy as his back stiffened as hard as board._

_“There’s nothing to talk about,” the other man had said robotically. He picked out a carton of juice and drank straight from the lip of it. James could tell it was an excuse to hide his shaking hands._

_“You know that’s not true. You can’t let what you two have—“_

_“He did!” Tony snarled at him. James watched the carton fly to the wall to his right. Dark brown eyes met his own, and the desperation there was plain. “I never did. He decided what the most important thing to him was,” the you was heavily implied. James hadn’t seen someone so desolate in a very long time. “He will have to forgive me if I don’t celebrate it.”_

_“He’s an idiot,” James could tell this surprised him. At least, he stopped glaring at the wall. Their eyes met again, and he could see Tony was grasping at straws. “He should have left me, and I want you to know that I agree. I can’t say I’m not glad he didn’t,” this last part he said quietly. He hadn’t been able to accept this even to Steve, but he was glad. And how fucking selfish was that? That he was glad for the end of his best friend’s happiness? Would they even be together still? Hell, the Registration Act Tony was lobbying for went for so much of what Steve believed in._

_“So am I,” it was James’s turn to look up in surprise. Tony gave him a twisted grin, and sighed. He had a faraway look in his eyes. “what was done to you… it was horrible. I saw Clint be unmade in seconds with Loki, I can’t imagine having to endure everything over and over again. For that, I’m glad you have him. That isn’t what bothers me, and I hope you know that. It’s just… he pitched himself against me. He made this war against me. I’m supposed to be his second in command, I know that, but I can’t trust him so implicitly when I know how this ends.”_

_“Death,” James tells him and Tony meets his eyes._

_“Or worse, if he’s the reason one of his friends dies. I’m sure you’ve gotten back enough to know how this will break him if he’s responsible for anyone getting hurt. I’m afraid—“Tony’s breath had hitched then and he’d had had to swallow. James saw him steeling himself before meeting the sergeant’s eyes again. “I’m afraid he’s too late now. There is only one thing that will end this; with the way it’s been twisted there is only two outcomes to this._

_“He dies or you do,” James said quietly and was horrified to realize Tony had made his choice of how his story ended. “He’ll hate himself.”_

_“He’ll get over it,” Tony told him quietly. And jesus fucking Christ he actually believed that. Steve had made him believe that he’d be okay without him. He’d made him believe that he’d be okay because he had Bucky now. James had begun to shake in disbelief, trying to make Tony understand even if he couldn’t speak. “I am so tired of breaking the world and putting it back together. The Registration Act was, yet again, another failed plan at security so that—so that if someone went rogue and we weren’t there, they could be put down.”_

_“Is that what you want for yourself? If you ever go rogue, do you want to—“James knew he was being an asshole, but seriously who plans for their own death? Tony, in this point, couldn’t see how it could all go horribly wrong. How he could have turned the RA into something as bad as Ultron. James hadn’t counted with Tony’s response._

_“There are a total of five people with the knowledge and the capability of taking me down if I ever go rogue. I have had them swear to me to do no matter what. If it comes down to innocent lives or my own, they know what my choice is,” Tony’s stubbornly determined gaze met his. There was no hesitation there, only self-hatred. “After all, no one mourns the wicked, Sergeant Barnes.”_

                                                                        ***

James hadn’t been able to make any progress with the man after that. Had only been able to return to the others and claim and unsuccessful mission. He’d watched Steve put a fist through a monitor that same afternoon, and had had to sedate him in order to help him sleep afterwards. Tony had called him misguided, but had praised him for his determination. Had said that Steve was proving himself to be the hero everyone thought he was by sticking to his sick friend. Steve had seen it as patronizing, but James had seen the truth.

James is man enough to admit that when the time came to face Tony, he had lost his head. Had gotten himself lost somewhere between the Winter Soldier and an Angry Barnes, and had beaten Tony down with relish. He hadn’t woken up from that haze until he’d heard Steve cry out Tony’s name and kneel down next to the body of his fella. Hadn’t really thought about what he was doing till he had the genius’s quiet words and wheezing breaths puncturing his ears. Even then, the stupid asshole had been insisting on getting them out of there. Keeping them safe.

Then Natasha had come, and Tony had been taken away. James had expected to be cuffed and taken to a remote SHIELD facility. Had expected talks of lawyers and trials and terrorist attacks and murders and executions, but none of that came. Instead, Natasha had advised them to follow her into the quinjet. He’d been stunned at seeing Barton behind the controls, but the archer only shook his head and stared at Steve. Cap couldn’t seem to focus on anything, couldn’t really see anything around him, as he kept muttering _“you gotta get to Tony, you have to keep him safe. You’ve hurt him you have to keep him safe. Safe safe safe, find him…”_ and back again. He didn’t even notice they were taking off and kept swaying on his feet.

“Sit down, Steve!” Natasha snapped at him.

“Nat—“Barton began, but the Russian shot him a deadly glare. There was so much hatred and contempt in that look, James noticed, which made a pretty good smoke screen for the trembling of her hands and the moisture in the corner of her eyes. Barton sighed and took back to steering.

James took Steve’s arm, sat him down, and strapped him securely to his chair. He managed to nod off for a bit before he woke up screaming. Barton and Romanoff winced at the sound, and James did his best to calm him down. He didn’t make a sound after that, just stared listlessly ahead.

“So,” James began, thinking that he might as well get it over with. “Which dungeon are you taking us to?”

He could see the side of Natasha’s jaw grinding, and he was mildly apprehensive about how fast she could whip one of her daggers. He’d been bested by her once, after all, and had seen him bring down that group of agents. He leaned back in his seat.

“None,” she replied shortly. She must have sensed this wasn’t enough information for him because she continued. “Tony,” Steve leaned forward at this, seemingly coherent enough now that his lover had been brought up. “Did what he set out to do from the beginning,” she seemed to be directing her words at Steve if the venom in her voice was any indication. “We managed to prove the warrant for you arrest was nothing but a smoke screen to hide the truth about HYDRA’s involvement in the government. We gathered enough proof that you would be an asset in the investigation pending your own psych evaluation. As for the Captain—“

“Tasha,” Barton said again. Obviously, she’d never called Steve this if his hitched breath was anything to go by. And if she had, obviously it hadn’t been with this kind of venom.

“As for the Captain,” she repeated forcefully. “We managed to bring down his main challengers. Osborn and Hammer, though their idiocy has been proven in the past are now shut tightly. We cleared his name and posted him up again as the paragon of American values. As far as the public knows he was fighting the right battle all along. That should make you happy, Rogers,” she said forcefully. He recoiled at the tone of her voice. “Tony’s once again the villain.”

Steve didn’t say anything, just clenched his fists on his thighs and forced himself to breathe. Barton opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but then thought better of it. James could see the veins in Steve’ tighten and the moisture running down his cheeks. James was beginning to realize that this was something he wouldn’t be able to shield Steve from. With a weary sigh, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, praying to whatever power was out there that this wouldn’t end in tragedy.

The quinjet carried on towards the uncertainty that was Tony’s fate. James felt as though he’d rather face all of HYDRA than to be see Steve lose Tony for good.

**Author's Note:**

> I shall call the next few fics Phase 2 just to be funny. Okay? Okay.  
> I owe you guys everything, honestly. Your support is so incredibly invaluable.


End file.
